4 posts from April 2008

Finally!

Some fun information for anybody out there who still thinks becoming a citizen is a piece of cake.

Time that it took from the time application was sent in until the day of the oath:
TEN MONTHS

Cost of application:
$595

Number of times I received an appointment letter telling me to be in a different city in three days or my application would be considered abandoned:
One

Did I fly to a different city to make that appointment:
Yes

Reason for having the appointment in the city where I did not live and work:
Whoops. You mean you're not living with your parents?

Number of hours ON THE PHONE I spent trying to change my address:
NINE

Number of the very important pieces of mail I received from immigration AFTER I changed my address:
Two

Number of days I missed work because of this process:
Five

Number of times I had to affirm in writing or orally that, yes, I will shoot a gun if you tell me to:
Five

Number of times I had to show that I know my rights:
One

Number of times I had to show that I know my responsibilities as citizen:
Gazillion hundred million

Sentence that I had to READ for my English Reading Comprehension test:
"They go so well together"

Sentence that I had to WRITE for my English Writing test:
"Today we went to the store"

[Whew! That was, like, first grade?]

What are the first thirteen states?
North Carolina, South Carolina, Connecticut, Delaware, Georgia, Maryland, Massachusetts, New Hampshire, New Jersey, New York, Pennsylvania, Rhode Island, Virginia.

Did they ask me about the first thirteen states?
No :(

Number of really really really bad videos we had to watch at the oath ceremony:
THREE
One was a slideshow of early immigrants with tears and hope and joy in their eyes, I think it was meant to "create a mood."
Second was an address from dear Mr. President who pronounced all the words correctly, but I was still too distracted by thinking about how much he reminds me of a clucking chicken.
Third one wins the prize for absurdity. It was a "music video" sung very badly and with truly awful lyrics "I am proud to be an American where at least I know I'm free." SERIOUSLY? This song is famous? I guess it can't be worse than the Ukrainian national anthem that starts with the words "Ukraine is not dead yet".

Number of times I almost cried or laughed because of the really bad videos:
Three

Number of new citizens taking the oath with me:
15

Number of God references made during the oath ceremony either there or in the videos:
Thirteen

How long did it take me to fill out my voter registration card after the ceremony?
Like, three seconds.

Big deal - I am becoming a citizen tomorrow morning!! I had my citizenship interview today, and after many "no, I am not a habitual drunkard," and "no, I have never solicited prostitution," and "no, I am in no way associated with the Communist Party in ANY COUNTRY," it looks like I passed!

To check my knowledge of English, I had to read "They go so well together" and write "Today we went to the store." I kept writing "store" as "crack house" but in the end the nice lady let me pass anyway.

The whole process is mildly absurd, from the very beginning. Lots of bureaucracy, of course. Lots of confusing directions and strangely-worded questions (Have you ever committed a crime for which you were not caught?)
In the interview, apart from asking you the same questions that are on the application to check if you have a "good character" and "values", I got asked the following:
How many stars are there on the flag?
What do the stars represent?
Who is the head of the executive branch?
Who is the current vice-president?
What is the most important right granted by the Constitution?
In which month do we vote for the president?

Weird, right? Especially the stars - do you think I would be a bad citizen if I didn't know the symbolism? To be honest, the US flag is much less interesting than many others. It's full of boring numbers. If you don't believe me that other flags are way more interesting, read about the Sri Lankan Flag or the South Korean one.

Anyway, so the final step in the naturalization process is taking the citizenship oath. It's sort of a big deal. I used to have a problem with the "I agree to bear arms on behalf of the Untied States" part and have let it go. Now I have serious issues with the fact that the oath ends with "so help me God." I think it's detrimental to rely on help from a non-existent being, don't you? But then, maybe, if I fail at any of my oath statements, I can say, God didn't help me? If one of our fundamental rights is the freedom of religion, that includes not being part of any religion, why am I, as a non-affiliated, non-religious person, required to acknowledge the existence of God? And please don't tell me about TRADITION. Not all traditions deserve to be respected.

Each word of the oath has to be said for it to be valid. In a room of 1,500 people taking the oath I may get away with mouthing something else, like "so help me Mom" or "so halp meowed cat" but there are only going to be 10 or so of us tomorrow (or so I hear).

Well, whatever. We all know I'll say the words.

How convenient that I started throwing up about an hour into my six-hour flight from Portland to Honolulu. What a friggin brilliant idea that my body had to make sure I lost those two extra pounds on my belly and was prepped for the beach. Today was the first meal since the flight two days ago that I have been able to hold down. Well, it's been half an hour now since breakfast, so we'll see. The other meals came up a lot sooner, so I'm crossing my fingers that this horrible stomach virus has chilled out. Because not being able to drink water in this very hot and humid city is going to kill me. The humiliation of nearly-public vomiting could also kill me.

Anyway, other than the vomiting-all-the-time thing, it's been a sweet couple of days, and a couple more to go. I am at a hotel at Kaimana beach, which is very mellow and laid-back. If I crave noise, smellier water, and more interesting people-watching, Waikiki is just a few minutes of walking up the beach walk. I probably should not go there today in case the memory of throwing up for the twentieth time in two hours will make me throw up.

When I was leaving Portland, I remember there were exactly three nice days in the past four months that were not rainy and windy. Three. At the airport the thermostat read 44 as I was walking in, and it was, of course, it was rainy, cold, and windy. I left my puffy winter jacket in my boyfriend's car, packed a swimsuit, flops, and some light clothes in my carry-on, just in case my luggage got lost, and boarded the plane with crossed fingers that I was not hallucinating and the forecast for Honolulu was, in fact, mid-eighties and sunny.

Landing was euphoric. The view of Oahu was gorgeous from up high. The ocean! The ships at Pearl Harbor! The craters! The greeeeeeeeeeen greeeeeeeeen hills! Oh my.
Upon arrival in the built-on-acid airport (Wiki-Wiki bus, anybody??), another euphoria - this time of THE HEAT. It's HOT HERE. AND HUMID. AND THERE IS AN OCEAN. AND PALM TREES. OH MY GOD. And the sun is shining. This is all I need to remember what it's like to have happy weather. Sun and warmth.

After two days in paradise, I am ready to stay.

Well, some may say Honolulu is not really Hawaii, especially not the Waikiki area. Tis true. But on my first ever visit to the islands, on this very nice expenses-paid work trip, I do not need to discover the real Hawaii. All I need is to re-center, remember that the work I have comes with great perks like this, get an envy-inducing tan at the lovely beach, and hang out with some sea turtles at the reef.

Over and out, I'll be near that palm tree in my bikini eating a papaya if you need me.

Productive things I did this weekend:
--taxes (mostly expletives follow so use your imagination)
--volunteered at a cat shelter and helped adopt four wonderful kitties

Unproductive things I did this weekend:
--played "rise of nations" for a really really ridiculous amount of time (and couldn't understand why newly created citizens wouldn't go to work at the nearest mine or woodcutting camp and instead hang out and yawn?!)
--got lost driving and sat in traffic
--slept A LOT
--watched "Enchanted"
--had a migraine
--stared at the wall
--read gossip blogs

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I am so fed up with my boss. What the fuck, dude.