if you need help removing the GIGANTIC STICK UP YOUR BUTT, please let me know. I would really like to watch.
XOXO,
your fabulous friend
From the string of posts tagged "annoyances" and the fact that it stands out most prominently in my tag cloud, I think I am going to write a happy post. About cats.
I volunteer at a no-kill cat shelter called the "Cat Adoption Team." Is it the largest no-kill shelter in the Northwest and at a low houses and cares for about 250 cats; the number goes up to something astronomical, like 600, during kitten season (which is just beginning right now).
All of the cats are rescues - from death row at the Humane Societies in the region, from cat hoarders, from families that are no longer able to care for their cats, etc. The turnover rate is pretty high - the average length of stay is only 34 days, although there are some "long-timers" at the shelter that have been there for months.
I love cats and have always lived with cats. I don't have one now because 1. my boyfriend is allergic 2. we are renting and 3. we are not going to stay in this city forever and I'd rather have a stable household before I get a family pet. So, I started volunteering at the CAT shelter, mostly to help cats, but also to help myself. Cats make me a happier person. I am an "Adoptions Counselor" so my job is to match cats with people, and make sure the people are aware of their responsibilities. I chose CAT not only because it is a no-kill shelter, but also because I believe in their two fundamental no-contest policies: indoor-only homes and no declawing. We don't just give our cats to anybody. There is a training, and a couple of demonstrations - holding, carrier training, nail trimming etc. that people have to pass before they are allowed to take one of our precious cats home. There is also a follow-up period that I do with people that I do adoptions with, and a lifetime return policy - if the person that adopted a cat from CAT can no longer care for it, for any reason, we will always take the cat back.
So, CAT is my happy place, with all the wonderful cats and kittens. Currently I volunteer at an outreach, where I have 9 cats that I care for. They range from 3 months to 7 years, but are all have wonderful personalities and we all enjoy hanging out and playing. Happy time. Maybe I'll post some pictures after my volunteering this weekend.
Just thinking about all the crap that happened today makes me want to go throw rotten eggs at certain people. I thought the throwing-rotten-eggs craving wouldn't hit until Day 5 of Two Hell Weeks, but, alas, too much crap in one day.
It started with my wonderful neighbor starting the lawn mower at 7:30am. Well, I thought it was my neighbor, but then discovered it was a meth-addict-looking-man in his underwear. Not my neighbor. This character was driving a beat-up truck with a company name something like "Lavender Yard Work" and chain-smoking. And did I mention he was wearing his UNDERWEAR?
Anyway, so this GUY is mowing my neighbor's lawn at 7:30am. Interweb-less at my house, I am tempted to drive to work, print out the noise ordinance, and stick it on my neighbors door, because I am totally certain noise-less hours are at least until 9am. Totally frustrated about living in my middle-age cave, my boyfriend and I resort to standing in front of our house and glaring at the GUY very angrily. It doesn't work and he continues to mow the lawn that's the size of my car for the next half an hour (he probably gets paid per hour and not per lawn). My morning went to shit. I can't drink coffee when somebody is walking back and forth with a loud buzzing LAWNMOWER for half an hour. I didn't even take a shower. Sorry, office people.
At 8am, a woman who I assume can only be "Lavender" shows up and waves her hands at the GUY while also opening her mouth and making angry facial expressions. I would say that she was probably screaming her head off at the GUY, but I couldn't tell for sure because he didn't bother to turn the lawnmower off. DUDE.
Lavender left, lawnmower was shut off. I contemplated being late for work for the sake of a shower. Then the DUDE brings out a LEAF BLOWER. It's SPRING, DUDE! Where are these leaves?? You are polluting my air with your nasty old gas-sucker and blowing away invisible leaves?
The first thing I did when I got to work was to check the noise ordinance, and GET THIS, PEOPLE. Noise can start at 7am and you can't do shit about it. Even if the DUDE in your neighbor's yard is making noise in his underwear. That didn't make my day any better. I think the note I will be sticking on my neighbor's door will be something along the lines of "do this again and I will salt your lawn."
My neighborhood is all plush and friendly. All families, we are the only rental, everybody is very well-off and drives nice cars. Why the hell would you hire a sketchy underwear dude to mow your lawn? On TUESDAY? Isn't Saturday the Men-play-with-lawnmovers-and-powertools day? Could you PLEASE give me my mornings back? If there is no lawnmower, maybe in the mornings we could all enjoy the sound of birds and the amazing spring smell of everything blooming at once? And the breeze that comes through the window wouldn't smell like smoke and exhaust and underwear? And maybe our neighborhood is safer if you don't give legitimate reasons to meth sketchballs to enter it? And maybe I will be able to survive my TWO HELL WEEKS at work without a nervous breakdown. Okay?
Boss saunters in to work at 10:15am (we start at 8:30, did you know?). Chats with the admin downstairs. Then runs upstairs with the flower invoice I just submitted for his signature, all, "Why is this so expensive? Last year I checked and it was three hundred and thirty dollars less expensive. We need to get it down. I am not paying more than last year, that's ridiculous. Ask for 5% off. Do you have these at crash tables also? You should just cut them from the crash tables, we don't need them there." Suggestions for how I should decrease the invoice from last year continue for another five minutes. Thanks, dude. You're awesome. I'd love to tell you that 1. things tend to go up in price; that's called "inflation"; 2. there were a lot less flowers last year, because we had a lot less people coming and therefore less tables; and 3. you freak out over such petty shit that I just want to scream.
oh my god. the day just started.
List my email wrong on something important. Like a registration form. So when people have questions, they email somebody else (unfortunately, the 'wrong' email is owned by a mean, unhelpful person), don't get a reply, and then get pissed at me.
]]>"Do you know of any professors that are interested in bird-watching?"
Finally!
Some fun information for anybody out there who still thinks becoming a citizen is a piece of cake.
Time that it took from the time application was sent in until the day of the oath:
TEN MONTHS
Cost of application:
$595
Number of times I received an appointment letter telling me to be in a different city in three days or my application would be considered abandoned:
One
Did I fly to a different city to make that appointment:
Yes
Reason for having the appointment in the city where I did not live and work:
Whoops. You mean you're not living with your parents?
Number of hours ON THE PHONE I spent trying to change my address:
NINE
Number of the very important pieces of mail I received from immigration AFTER I changed my address:
Two
Number of days I missed work because of this process:
Five
Number of times I had to affirm in writing or orally that, yes, I will shoot a gun if you tell me to:
Five
Number of times I had to show that I know my rights:
One
Number of times I had to show that I know my responsibilities as citizen:
Gazillion hundred million
Sentence that I had to READ for my English Reading Comprehension test:
"They go so well together"
Sentence that I had to WRITE for my English Writing test:
"Today we went to the store"
[Whew! That was, like, first grade?]
What are the first thirteen states?
North Carolina, South Carolina, Connecticut, Delaware, Georgia, Maryland, Massachusetts, New Hampshire, New Jersey, New York, Pennsylvania, Rhode Island, Virginia.
Did they ask me about the first thirteen states?
No :(
Number of really really really bad videos we had to watch at the oath ceremony:
THREE
One was a slideshow of early immigrants with tears and hope and joy in their eyes, I think it was meant to "create a mood."
Second was an address from dear Mr. President who pronounced all the words correctly, but I was still too distracted by thinking about how much he reminds me of a clucking chicken.
Third one wins the prize for absurdity. It was a "music video" sung very badly and with truly awful lyrics "I am proud to be an American where at least I know I'm free." SERIOUSLY? This song is famous? I guess it can't be worse than the Ukrainian national anthem that starts with the words "Ukraine is not dead yet".
Number of times I almost cried or laughed because of the really bad videos:
Three
Number of new citizens taking the oath with me:
15
Number of God references made during the oath ceremony either there or in the videos:
Thirteen
How long did it take me to fill out my voter registration card after the ceremony?
Like, three seconds.
Big deal - I am becoming a citizen tomorrow morning!! I had my citizenship interview today, and after many "no, I am not a habitual drunkard," and "no, I have never solicited prostitution," and "no, I am in no way associated with the Communist Party in ANY COUNTRY," it looks like I passed!
To check my knowledge of English, I had to read "They go so well together" and write "Today we went to the store." I kept writing "store" as "crack house" but in the end the nice lady let me pass anyway.
The whole process is mildly absurd, from the very beginning. Lots of bureaucracy, of course. Lots of confusing directions and strangely-worded questions (Have you ever committed a crime for which you were not caught?)
In the interview, apart from asking you the same questions that are on the application to check if you have a "good character" and "values", I got asked the following:
How many stars are there on the flag?
What do the stars represent?
Who is the head of the executive branch?
Who is the current vice-president?
What is the most important right granted by the Constitution?
In which month do we vote for the president?
Weird, right? Especially the stars - do you think I would be a bad citizen if I didn't know the symbolism? To be honest, the US flag is much less interesting than many others. It's full of boring numbers. If you don't believe me that other flags are way more interesting, read about the Sri Lankan Flag or the South Korean one.
Anyway, so the final step in the naturalization process is taking the citizenship oath. It's sort of a big deal. I used to have a problem with the "I agree to bear arms on behalf of the Untied States" part and have let it go. Now I have serious issues with the fact that the oath ends with "so help me God." I think it's detrimental to rely on help from a non-existent being, don't you? But then, maybe, if I fail at any of my oath statements, I can say, God didn't help me? If one of our fundamental rights is the freedom of religion, that includes not being part of any religion, why am I, as a non-affiliated, non-religious person, required to acknowledge the existence of God? And please don't tell me about TRADITION. Not all traditions deserve to be respected.
Each word of the oath has to be said for it to be valid. In a room of 1,500 people taking the oath I may get away with mouthing something else, like "so help me Mom" or "so halp meowed cat" but there are only going to be 10 or so of us tomorrow (or so I hear).
Well, whatever. We all know I'll say the words.
How convenient that I started throwing up about an hour into my six-hour flight from Portland to Honolulu. What a friggin brilliant idea that my body had to make sure I lost those two extra pounds on my belly and was prepped for the beach. Today was the first meal since the flight two days ago that I have been able to hold down. Well, it's been half an hour now since breakfast, so we'll see. The other meals came up a lot sooner, so I'm crossing my fingers that this horrible stomach virus has chilled out. Because not being able to drink water in this very hot and humid city is going to kill me. The humiliation of nearly-public vomiting could also kill me.
Anyway, other than the vomiting-all-the-time thing, it's been a sweet couple of days, and a couple more to go. I am at a hotel at Kaimana beach, which is very mellow and laid-back. If I crave noise, smellier water, and more interesting people-watching, Waikiki is just a few minutes of walking up the beach walk. I probably should not go there today in case the memory of throwing up for the twentieth time in two hours will make me throw up.
When I was leaving Portland, I remember there were exactly three nice days in the past four months that were not rainy and windy. Three. At the airport the thermostat read 44 as I was walking in, and it was, of course, it was rainy, cold, and windy. I left my puffy winter jacket in my boyfriend's car, packed a swimsuit, flops, and some light clothes in my carry-on, just in case my luggage got lost, and boarded the plane with crossed fingers that I was not hallucinating and the forecast for Honolulu was, in fact, mid-eighties and sunny.
Landing was euphoric. The view of Oahu was gorgeous from up high. The ocean! The ships at Pearl Harbor! The craters! The greeeeeeeeeeen greeeeeeeeen hills! Oh my.
Upon arrival in the built-on-acid airport (Wiki-Wiki bus, anybody??), another euphoria - this time of THE HEAT. It's HOT HERE. AND HUMID. AND THERE IS AN OCEAN. AND PALM TREES. OH MY GOD. And the sun is shining. This is all I need to remember what it's like to have happy weather. Sun and warmth.
After two days in paradise, I am ready to stay.
Well, some may say Honolulu is not really Hawaii, especially not the Waikiki area. Tis true. But on my first ever visit to the islands, on this very nice expenses-paid work trip, I do not need to discover the real Hawaii. All I need is to re-center, remember that the work I have comes with great perks like this, get an envy-inducing tan at the lovely beach, and hang out with some sea turtles at the reef.
Over and out, I'll be near that palm tree in my bikini eating a papaya if you need me.
]]>Productive things I did this weekend:
--taxes (mostly expletives follow so use your imagination)
--volunteered at a cat shelter and helped adopt four wonderful kitties
Unproductive things I did this weekend:
--played "rise of nations" for a really really ridiculous amount of time (and couldn't understand why newly created citizens wouldn't go to work at the nearest mine or woodcutting camp and instead hang out and yawn?!)
--got lost driving and sat in traffic
--slept A LOT
--watched "Enchanted"
--had a migraine
--stared at the wall
--read gossip blogs
------------------------------
I am so fed up with my boss. What the fuck, dude.