I can vote! and all that other stuff!

nobody@vox.com(Slonik) — Wed, 30 Apr 2008 14:20:16 -0700

Finally!

Some fun information for anybody out there who still thinks becoming a citizen is a piece of cake.

Time that it took from the time application was sent in until the day of the oath:
TEN MONTHS

Cost of application:
$595

Number of times I received an appointment letter telling me to be in a different city in three days or my application would be considered abandoned:
One

Did I fly to a different city to make that appointment:
Yes

Reason for having the appointment in the city where I did not live and work:
Whoops. You mean you're not living with your parents?

Number of hours ON THE PHONE I spent trying to change my address:
NINE

Number of the very important pieces of mail I received from immigration AFTER I changed my address:
Two

Number of days I missed work because of this process:
Five

Number of times I had to affirm in writing or orally that, yes, I will shoot a gun if you tell me to:
Five

Number of times I had to show that I know my rights:
One

Number of times I had to show that I know my responsibilities as citizen:
Gazillion hundred million

Sentence that I had to READ for my English Reading Comprehension test:
"They go so well together"

Sentence that I had to WRITE for my English Writing test:
"Today we went to the store"

[Whew! That was, like, first grade?]

What are the first thirteen states?
North Carolina, South Carolina, Connecticut, Delaware, Georgia, Maryland, Massachusetts, New Hampshire, New Jersey, New York, Pennsylvania, Rhode Island, Virginia.

Did they ask me about the first thirteen states?
No :(

Number of really really really bad videos we had to watch at the oath ceremony:
THREE
One was a slideshow of early immigrants with tears and hope and joy in their eyes, I think it was meant to "create a mood."
Second was an address from dear Mr. President who pronounced all the words correctly, but I was still too distracted by thinking about how much he reminds me of a clucking chicken.
Third one wins the prize for absurdity. It was a "music video" sung very badly and with truly awful lyrics "I am proud to be an American where at least I know I'm free." SERIOUSLY? This song is famous? I guess it can't be worse than the Ukrainian national anthem that starts with the words "Ukraine is not dead yet".

Number of times I almost cried or laughed because of the really bad videos:
Three

Number of new citizens taking the oath with me:
15

Number of God references made during the oath ceremony either there or in the videos:
Thirteen

How long did it take me to fill out my voter registration card after the ceremony?
Like, three seconds.

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I have a problem asking God for help

nobody@vox.com(Slonik) — Tue, 29 Apr 2008 16:16:54 -0700

Big deal - I am becoming a citizen tomorrow morning!! I had my citizenship interview today, and after many "no, I am not a habitual drunkard," and "no, I have never solicited prostitution," and "no, I am in no way associated with the Communist Party in ANY COUNTRY," it looks like I passed!

To check my knowledge of English, I had to read "They go so well together" and write "Today we went to the store." I kept writing "store" as "crack house" but in the end the nice lady let me pass anyway.

The whole process is mildly absurd, from the very beginning. Lots of bureaucracy, of course. Lots of confusing directions and strangely-worded questions (Have you ever committed a crime for which you were not caught?)
In the interview, apart from asking you the same questions that are on the application to check if you have a "good character" and "values", I got asked the following:
How many stars are there on the flag?
What do the stars represent?
Who is the head of the executive branch?
Who is the current vice-president?
What is the most important right granted by the Constitution?
In which month do we vote for the president?

Weird, right? Especially the stars - do you think I would be a bad citizen if I didn't know the symbolism? To be honest, the US flag is much less interesting than many others. It's full of boring numbers. If you don't believe me that other flags are way more interesting, read about the Sri Lankan Flag or the South Korean one.

Anyway, so the final step in the naturalization process is taking the citizenship oath. It's sort of a big deal. I used to have a problem with the "I agree to bear arms on behalf of the Untied States" part and have let it go. Now I have serious issues with the fact that the oath ends with "so help me God." I think it's detrimental to rely on help from a non-existent being, don't you? But then, maybe, if I fail at any of my oath statements, I can say, God didn't help me? If one of our fundamental rights is the freedom of religion, that includes not being part of any religion, why am I, as a non-affiliated, non-religious person, required to acknowledge the existence of God? And please don't tell me about TRADITION. Not all traditions deserve to be respected.

Each word of the oath has to be said for it to be valid. In a room of 1,500 people taking the oath I may get away with mouthing something else, like "so help me Mom" or "so halp meowed cat" but there are only going to be 10 or so of us tomorrow (or so I hear).

Well, whatever. We all know I'll say the words.

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Slonik Dreams

I can vote! and all that other stuff!

I have a problem asking God for help